M8 Raiders of The Lost and Confused

     Hey guys, just sitting here typing this post in the Peten rainforest in Central America. I came here after I watched the first Indiana Jones movie, saying, Hey, I can do that! Well, if you're reading this and thinking about how much you want to, don't. Trust me, I'm just going to drop a 'Do not attempt ever' here. It's a lot like the Indiana Jones movies, so I accomplished something here. But it really sucks when you're tied up in a tree with a bunch of Mayans hitting you with clubs. Here's how I got here-ow! Not so hard, jerk!
     *past tense* When I stepped out of my car into the sweltering rain forest, I decided to call over my guide, for I needed them to help me through the thick forests. Oh wait, I thought, I don't need a guide! I can find artifacts on my own! I threw the guide into a crocodile-infested river. There, I thought, now I just need to check my things. I went over the items I needed. Water bottle, check. Satchel, check. Whip, check. Hat, check. I had everything I needed to be successful as Indiana Jones! I started my trek by checking the map I stole from the dead guide. Oh, he had the money I gave him too, so I took that also. He didn't have anything else of importance. Anyway, I followed the road until I saw a sign that was about to fall off the post. It said 'El Dorado'. Wow! El Dorado was an ancient city supposedly made of gold! I followed the path until I was confronted by one of the deadliest animals in Central America: the Fer-de-Lance. It's one of the deadliest snakes on Earth. It's venom takes about an hour to kill you. It had already seen me walking across the pass, and it snuck up behind me and stung me in the back of the neck! I couldn't breathe; I fell to the ground, unconscious.
     When I woke up (Wait, why did I wake up?), I realized that there were people looking at me upside down. I tried to rub my eyes, but I realized that my arms were tied behind me. Then I also realized that I was upside down, not the other people.
"You were lucky that we were walking across another path close to yours, or you would've died." Said one of the people.
"Who are you?" I managed to say.
"We are the Mayans. Who are you?"
"Slim Shady."
The others gasped. They untied me and hurriedly carried me to a large pyramid.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked.
"To the ruler."
     They took me up to a man sitting in a throne. I guessed he was the ruler.
"My lord, it is The One."
The ruler looked down on me, and said, "Oh my gods, it really is! Thank you for saving our people from those ruthless Spanish Catholics. They burned all our books and killed most of our people for not believing in Catholicism. Then you showed up and saved us."
He started crying, and the guard to his right helped him. As he gave him a counterfeit Kleenex (one of the generic brands), I  tried to remember when I saved these people from the Spanish.
"Here," The ruler said, "Take this as a token of your hard work."
He handed me a big circular stone thing.
"It's our religious calendar. Use it to know the perfect times for crops. And another thing; We've made you a god too."
I fell backwards.
"Really?!" I asked.
"Really really." The ruler answered. "Your god name is Slimax Shadyax."
"Wow, cool! Can I see my godly self?"
"Of course.  Just think it."
I thought, and I became a 10 foot tall glowing version of myself.
"Wow, this is the ultimate vacation!" I shouted.
"And you can go to the Heavens, where you can literally do whatever you want."
I flew up to the sky, and I landed on a cloud. There were a bunch of other people there too. They all cheered my name.
"Slimax! Slimax! Slimax!"
I basked in the attention, but then I heard a really loud beeping noise.
"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"
My vision started to blur.
"No! Not again!" I yelled.
Then everything went black.
     I opened my eyes. The sunlight lit up my hotel room. The alarm clock next to me kept beeping. I grabbed the alarm clock and threw it out the window. I heard a screech outside and someone yelling. I went back to sleep.